Alaska living or how I started my life after 45

The Manly Chronicles

Part I

The Manly Art of the Well Dressed Alaskan Biker

So you want to ride a Harley in Alaska…After all, YOU are a Manly Man and can handle the two wheeled convenience known as the HOG. You have your Manly leathers and other Manly Harley accouterments, nicely scuffed and worn looking. You are ready to get your motor running and head out to the highway…looking for adventure…well you know the rest of the song. So what are you waiting for? Jump on, rev it up and take off!!

Whoa, not so fast there buckaroo!! This is Alaska, not the hot and humid good ole Southern USA or anywhere else in the US for that matter in summer. It calls for a special kind of outfitting for the Manly Man and his Manly bits.

Nope, you can’t just throw on your jeans, boots, shirt, light leather jacket and helmet and hit the road…Hate to be the one to break it to you, but it will take about 45 minutes to get dressed and that’s if it isn’t raining when you leave. ( I timed this by the way just for giggles and of course to share with you, my gentle reader.)

First...forget about those lower 48 leathers you own...that cow is too thin. You gotta fatten up the clothing to ride here in Manly comfort. Remember the average temp on the Kenai is 60 degrees in the summer so you must factor in wind chill, sudden changes in temperature and possible rain. In other words, a standard Alaskan summer day.

If you have friends in the area where you are planning to ride, call them to see what the weather is like and check the forecast…If you don’t have friends, you need to cultivate some.

So, first layer, long johns on the bottom, thick socks, and an insulating thin shirt - something made by Patagonia will do the trick. Next, pants...but which pants? Thick lined Leathers (makes the Manly tush look good), Carharts (so everyone will know you are really from AK), Jeans for that oh so Manly casual look? Decisions, Decisions…and these are just the first of many.

Ok, so now you have squirmed into your pants, over your long johns. Good Job. Make sure you have enough room to ‘adjust’ if you know what I mean, ‘cause you will be sitting for a while. Chaffing is not good. And doing the Chaff walk is not so Manly.

Back to the top. Over your nice thin insulating shirt you need a thicker shirt or two. A nice fleece or thick sweat shirt should do the trick. Maybe a T-shirt as well. Make sure the outer layer you pick is either plain or has a Manly logo on it. One with little cute kittens or fishies will be kinda suspect at the bar. So Joe Camel, Harley Logos, or plain.

You get the idea.

Next layer, and yes there is a next layer. Back to the bottom half. Chaps. Yes, Chaps to outline the Manly butt and other areas… Oh and to insulate of course. How the mind digresses. So now you have zippers, snaps and buckles to contend with. This on top of two layers of pant material. Lots of heavy breathing and holding of breath as you bend over to zip up the legs and snap the buttons around the ankle and boot area.

Uh oh, you forgot to put on your boots didn’t you? Well damn...okay off with the chaps unless you can put boots on while the chaps are hanging from your waist.

Boots on? Great...Wow your face is red from all that bending over...You seem to be a mite short of breathe. But don’t stop now. You are almost finished and ready for an exciting day of riding the Alaskan highways.

Got your chaps back on? Zipped, snapped and buckled? Excellent. Breathing back to normal? Wonderful. Good time to have a smoke.

Now back to the top half. You need a vest so that you have some inside pockets for cigarettes, easy access to money, etc. So put that on, snap it up, don’t forget to pocket up those cigarettes, lighter, cell phone, money, and chapstick (yes Manly Men use chapstick. The wind is harsh on lips in Alaska and there’s almost nothing worse than dried icky lips when trying to pick up those Alaskan Women).

At this point you are probably entertaining the thought of just forgetting about the whole thing. But you are almost there. Almost at the finish line. Almost ready to enjoy the Manly ride. You can and will persevere. It is your Manly calling.

But first, just a few more items are needed to complete the Manly outfit. Really. Trust me on this.

All righty then. Bottom Half is done. Let‘s make sure you didn‘t miss anything. Long Johns ..check Real Pants…check Chaps…Check Thick socks…check Boots…check Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

Top Half…hmmmm Looks like something is missing. Ahhh the leather jacket..the final layer. But which one? The plain black motorcycle jacket? The brown scuffed leather jacket with a few pins and patches on it? The red, white and blue one with cute little white stars for that patriotic feel? Or how about the full metal jacket…the one with all of your run pins and patches...the one that weighs 25 lbs. But wait…I did mention the normal lower 48 motorcycle leather jacket won’t cut it up here…Didn’t I? Eh? THESE leather jackets all weigh about 20 lbs. Serious hermia material.

Inventory time..… Insulating shirt, thick shirt and/or sweatshirt, Vest, Leather Jacket…check, check, check, check and check. Whew…

Now let’s not forget about your hands, face and head. Gotta keep them warm and cozy. It also helps if you have someone at the end of the ride that is willing to help warm up the Manly bits.. Great motivator for the ride at this point as well.

Now for the gloves. Again with the choices. Thin, medium, thick … maybe a medium pair with a thin insulator. All leather of course. Check the weather. Maybe you should bring two pair just in case the weather gets colder. Don’t want the digits getting cold or frostbitten. Hard to grip the handle bars if the fingers get chilled.

HEY don’t put them on yet…stick them in your pocket for now…geez do I have to do everything for you?

And last but not least, head and face. Frostbite can be a serious concern for the nose and ears even in late spring/early summer. Blackened stumps are not sexy. And of course you can never tell when the weather will turn while on the road...So you need a doo rag to keep the hair in place and the head protected, a head band for the ears and a face mask for the nose and mouth and to cover the throat area.

If, like one specific biker I know, you have a great collection of doo rags, picking out the one you want can take a while. It kinda becomes like a chick trying on clothes...nope don’t like this one makes me look fat, let’s try this one. Doesn’t match my eyes, try this one…well you get the idea.

Finally, you have picked out the perfect accessory for your hair and now you put on your ear band (thank all that is holy you only have one) and get your face protector. This is a leather triangle with a snap in two corners that you place over your face, kinda like what you would wear to rob a bank. The third corner hangs down over your throat and you can tuck it in to your jacket for that polished Manly look.

Ok. Finally we are dressed. Look around...did you forget anything? Wallet with your driver’s license in it? Damn it.. insert heavy sign here. Grab the wallet and IF you can get it in the back pocket that is snugly under your chaps, shove it in there. If not, undo your jacket and put it in a vest pocket. Snap/Zip yourself back up and head for the Harley.

Hmmmm, kinda windy outside. Maybe you need a hat as well. How about a Russian tank hat? Stylish, modern, definitely unique. So maybe you don’t need the doo rag after all. Back inside, find the hat, put it on over your doo rag.

NOW we can leave. (Hope at this point you don’t have to pee or anything).

Alrighty then...Crank 'er up and listen to that satisfying Harley roar. You can practically feel the road vibration between your legs.

While the bike is warming up, you can check your saddle bags. Put your extra pair of gloves in there, might want to take rain gear just in case it rains and a helmet on the off chance you get lucky and pick someone up to warm those Manly bits.

45 minutes have passed since you started this process and this didn’t even include rain gear or really cold weather electrical gear ….

BUT you are now the epitome of the Manly Motorcycle fashion plate. The height of Harley Haute Couture. Your HOG buddies would be proud. You have successfully navigated the Manly Art of the Well Dressed Alaskan Biker. You... are a true hero. You are now ready for the open road. The feel of the wind on your face. The thrill of racing down the Alaskan road, hoping a moose doesn't suddenly appear. Yikes!!! But what is life without a little adventure? eh?

So hop on your Harley (read groan as you throw your leg over the seat with three layers of clothes on), tug your gloves into place, pull up your face mask, give it a little gas, throw up the kickstand.. Stand back all you naysayers you say to yourself..I AM ON MY WAY....

And totally worn out at this point. Maybe instead of taking a nice ride you will just head on down to the local watering hole and have a beer. Screw it. Looks like it is gonna rain anyway.

The Finished Manly Product