The Manly Chronicles

Part I

or

The Manly Art of the Well Dressed Alaskan Biker

So you want to ride a Harley in Alaska…After all, YOU are a Manly Man and can handle the two wheeled convenience known as the HOG. You have your Manly leathers and other Manly Harley accouterments, nicely scuffed and worn looking. You are ready to get your motor running and head out to the highway…looking for adventure…well you know the rest of the song. So what are you waiting for? Jump on, rev it up and take off!!

Whoa, not so fast there buckaroo!! This is Alaska, not the hot and humid good ole Southern USA or anywhere else in the US for that matter in summer. It calls for a special kind of outfitting for the Manly Man and his Manly bits.

Nope, you can’t just throw on your jeans, boots, shirt, light leather jacket and helmet and hit the road…Hate to be the one to break it to you, but it will take about 45 minutes to get dressed and that’s if it isn’t raining when you leave. ( I timed this by the way just for giggles and of course to share with you, my gentle reader.)

First...forget about those lower 48 leathers you own...that cow is too thin. You gotta fatten up the clothing to ride here in Manly comfort. Remember the average temp on the Kenai is 60 degrees in the summer so you must factor in wind chill, sudden changes in temperature and possible rain. In other words, a standard Alaskan summer day.

If you have friends in the area where you are planning to ride, call them to see what the weather is like and check the forecast…If you don’t have friends, you need to cultivate some.

So, first layer, long johns on the bottom, thick socks, and an insulating thin shirt - something made by Patagonia will do the trick. Next, pants...but which pants? Thick lined Leathers (makes the Manly tush look good), Carharts (so everyone will know you are really from AK), Jeans for that oh so Manly casual look? Decisions, Decisions…and these are just the first of many.

Ok, so now you have squirmed into your pants, over your long johns. Good Job. Make sure you have enough room to ‘adjust’ if you know what I mean, ‘cause you will be sitting for a while. Chaffing is not good. And doing the Chaff walk is not so Manly.

Back to the top. Over your nice thin insulating shirt you need a thicker shirt or two. A nice fleece or thick sweat shirt should do the trick. Maybe a T-shirt as well. Make sure the outer layer you pick is either plain or has a Manly logo on it. One with little cute kittens or fishies will be kinda suspect at the bar. So Joe Camel, Harley Logos, or plain.

You get the idea.

Next layer, and yes there is a next layer. Back to the bottom half. Chaps. Yes, Chaps to outline the Manly butt and other areas… Oh and to insulate of course. How the mind digresses. So now you have zippers, snaps and buckles to contend with. This on top of two layers of pant material. Lots of heavy breathing and holding of breath as you bend over to zip up the legs and snap the buttons around the ankle and boot area.

Uh oh, you forgot to put on your boots didn’t you? Well damn...okay off with the chaps unless you can put boots on while the chaps are hanging from your waist.

Boots on? Great...Wow your face is red from all that bending over...You seem to be a mite short of breathe. But don’t stop now. You are almost finished and ready for an exciting day of riding the Alaskan highways.

Got your chaps back on? Zipped, snapped and buckled? Excellent. Breathing back to normal? Wonderful. Good time to have a smoke.

Now back to the top half. You need a vest so that you have some inside pockets for cigarettes, easy access to money, etc. So put that on, snap it up, don’t forget to pocket up those cigarettes, lighter, cell phone, money, and chapstick (yes Manly Men use chapstick. The wind is harsh on lips in Alaska and there’s almost nothing worse than dried icky lips when trying to pick up those Alaskan Women).

At this point you are probably entertaining the thought of just forgetting about the whole thing. But you are almost there. Almost at the finish line. Almost ready to enjoy the Manly ride. You can and will persevere. It is your Manly calling.

But first, just a few more items are needed to complete the Manly outfit. Really. Trust me on this.

All righty then. Bottom Half is done. Let‘s make sure you didn‘t miss anything. Long Johns ..check Real Pants…check Chaps…Check Thick socks…check Boots…check Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

Top Half…hmmmm Looks like something is missing. Ahhh the leather jacket..the final layer. But which one? The plain black motorcycle jacket? The brown scuffed leather jacket with a few pins and patches on it? The red, white and blue one with cute little white stars for that patriotic feel? Or how about the full metal jacket…the one with all of your run pins and patches...the one that weighs 25 lbs. But wait…I did mention the normal lower 48 motorcycle leather jacket won’t cut it up here…Didn’t I? Eh? THESE leather jackets all weigh about 20 lbs. Serious hermia material.

Inventory time..… Insulating shirt, thick shirt and/or sweatshirt, Vest, Leather Jacket…check, check, check, check and check. Whew…

Now let’s not forget about your hands, face and head. Gotta keep them warm and cozy. It also helps if you have someone at the end of the ride that is willing to help warm up the Manly bits.. Great motivator for the ride at this point as well.

Now for the gloves. Again with the choices. Thin, medium, thick … maybe a medium pair with a thin insulator. All leather of course. Check the weather. Maybe you should bring two pair just in case the weather gets colder. Don’t want the digits getting cold or frostbitten. Hard to grip the handle bars if the fingers get chilled.

HEY don’t put them on yet…stick them in your pocket for now…geez do I have to do everything for you?

And last but not least, head and face. Frostbite can be a serious concern for the nose and ears even in late spring/early summer. Blackened stumps are not sexy. And of course you can never tell when the weather will turn while on the road...So you need a doo rag to keep the hair in place and the head protected, a head band for the ears and a face mask for the nose and mouth and to cover the throat area.

If, like one specific biker I know, you have a great collection of doo rags, picking out the one you want can take a while. It kinda becomes like a chick trying on clothes...nope don’t like this one makes me look fat, let’s try this one. Doesn’t match my eyes, try this one…well you get the idea.

Finally, you have picked out the perfect accessory for your hair and now you put on your ear band (thank all that is holy you only have one) and get your face protector. This is a leather triangle with a snap in two corners that you place over your face, kinda like what you would wear to rob a bank. The third corner hangs down over your throat and you can tuck it in to your jacket for that polished Manly look.

Ok. Finally we are dressed. Look around...did you forget anything? Wallet with your driver’s license in it? Damn it.. insert heavy sign here. Grab the wallet and IF you can get it in the back pocket that is snugly under your chaps, shove it in there. If not, undo your jacket and put it in a vest pocket. Snap/Zip yourself back up and head for the Harley.

Hmmmm, kinda windy outside. Maybe you need a hat as well. How about a Russian tank hat? Stylish, modern, definitely unique. So maybe you don’t need the doo rag after all. Back inside, find the hat, put it on over your doo rag.

NOW we can leave. (Hope at this point you don’t have to pee or anything).

Alrighty then...Crank 'er up and listen to that satisfying Harley roar. You can practically feel the road vibration between your legs.

While the bike is warming up, you can check your saddle bags. Put your extra pair of gloves in there, might want to take rain gear just in case it rains and a helmet on the off chance you get lucky and pick someone up to warm those Manly bits.

45 minutes have passed since you started this process and this didn’t even include rain gear or really cold weather electrical gear ….

BUT you are now the epitome of the Manly Motorcycle fashion plate. The height of Harley Haute Couture. Your HOG buddies would be proud. You have successfully navigated the Manly Art of the Well Dressed Alaskan Biker. You... are a true hero. You are now ready for the open road. The feel of the wind on your face. The thrill of racing down the Alaskan road, hoping a moose doesn't suddenly appear. Yikes!!! But what is life without a little adventure? eh?

So hop on your Harley (read groan as you throw your leg over the seat with three layers of clothes on), tug your gloves into place, pull up your face mask, give it a little gas, throw up the kickstand.. Stand back all you naysayers you say to yourself..I AM ON MY WAY....

And totally worn out at this point. Maybe instead of taking a nice ride you will just head on down to the local watering hole and have a beer. Screw it. Looks like it is gonna rain anyway.

The Finished Manly Product

The Manly Chaps - for warmth of course




Stay Tuned….Same Bat Station, Same Bat time….

The Manly Chronicles

Part II

or

The Manly Art and Rituals of Alaskan Salmon Fishing

Busy Busy Month - Part One

Whew can't believe how fast May went. I had a busy busy month as outlined below.

But first, Peyton had her plastic surgery to repair her nose, lip and gums. They put tubes in her ears at the same time. She came through the surgery perfectly. The cleft closure is scheduled for the end of August.





There has been no word on Spike. My thanks for everyone's heartfelt condolences and wishes. They were truly appreciated.

Please check out a new website I found..Dear Douchebag...the link is on the left with my other links of interest. I have posted two letters already. Read the archives ...some of the writers are truly inspired. Also check out my news articles of interest. They are also on the left.

I am not posting a slide show this time. So all the pics are in the blog itself. Also there will be two parts to May's blog..Part two will be posted later in the week. The title of that part two is " The Manly Chronicles or What it takes to dress as a biker in Alaska and Rituals in pursuit of Salmon Fishing".

So Enjoy...it is kinda long.


I spent the last five weeks at the Homer Hostel. After a week, the owner, Will the Terrible, put me to work which helped me out a lot. Saved me the cost of a bunk..woo hoo.. Will isn’t really terrible..in fact he is an incredible, genuinely, truly nice guy.




I will have to say I wasn’t sure if I would like staying at a hostel…little privacy and lots of people. BUT I have actually had a fabulous time. I have come in contact with a lot of interesting and of course, some annoying people from all over the world. For example, we have 3 guys from German, 1 from Poland, 4 from Italian, 3 handicapped guys with their tour guide, 1 Israeli and several Aussies here right now in addition to a bunch of Americans. Most are here on holiday but some are actually looking for work on a fishing boat or just looking to work in AK for the summer. And this mix changes almost every day.

One of the more annoying people was a guy from CA who came here to be a pilot with a charter service. He stayed here a couple of weeks while getting his certification with the company. Had quite the A personality which won’t get him far in AK. One of those guys with two sets of rules…the ones for him and the ones for you. He left abruptly in the middle of the night after being asked to keep his voice down as people were sleeping. Took exception to it. And I was polite and everything… really lol.

Then there is Fergie. Fergie has lived here in Homer for about 16 years on the spit. In the winter he would go to Hawaii. The last time he went he stayed for 3 years and just came back. He stayed at the Hostel for 12 days which is where I met him. Fergie is a Harley rider, avid salmon fisherman, has the long hair, all the biker stuff, little earring, etc. And this is what he lives in.





This bus used to be a tourist pic spot on the spit until it was moved to Anchor Point 4 or so years. It is quite the interesting living space. He runs an electrical cord to it from a friend’s house and uses a wood stove and/or space heater for heat. Ferg has basically been camping for the last 16 years. I helped him move his stuff that he brought back with him from HI. And believe me the man has a ton of stuff. Never seen so many Tshirts for just one person. I helped him clean up a bit. Three years worth of grime is a lot..lol.

So we have been having lots of fun in the last few weeks. He took me for a couple of bike rides, introduced me to all the bartenders in town, played pool, went to see Pirates III, I got to witness the entire ritual of river Salmon Fishing and what it takes to get dressed to go bike riding in AK (more on that in part two), and just generally having a great time. At some point we are going to the shooting range and when Silver Salmon are in season, I will be introduced to the mysteries of salmon fishing.

But I have been doing other things as well when not drinking or imbibing in nefarious activities that are legal in Alaska.. if you know what I mean.

I went to Seward on May 3rd for a Gray Whale Watching Cruise. Stayed at the Moby Dick Hostel. The cruise was really nice. It lasted four hours and I will have to say I was ready to go back by about the 3rd hour..lol. So very glad I didn’t book a full day one.

We didn’t see any gray whales but we did see a Fin, several Humpbacks, Stellar Sea Lions, Dall Porpoises, otters, one lonely little Puffin bobbing in the waves, Murants, Gulls, Cormorants, Kittiwakes and other seabirds and Mountain Goats…not in the water but on the cliffs..lol. It was an absolutely beautiful day and I was doing fine until I went in to grab some coffee to warm my fingers with and that was a mistake. Got a bit seasick and didn’t really recover from it. But it was great fun. Here are some pics of Seward. The first one is on the road to Seward.

This one is in Seward and is a shot of the mountains across the Bay. The entire town is surrounded by mountains.
This is shot from the boat in Resurrection Bay.
Stellar Sea Lions sunning themselves on the rocks in Resurrection Bay.

View from the back of the boat leaving Resurrection Bay

Right at the Bow are two Dall Porpoises playing in the wave.

Absolutely beautiful

This is the boat we were on.





The next day I went to the Sea Life Center. Saw them feed the Stellar Sea Lions. If you ever get to Seward AK make sure you check out the Sea Life Center. Lots of nice exhibits and information. They also take in the injured sea life for rehabilitation.







On the way out of Homer I had a nice surprise. Two Moose browsing on the side of the road. I got pretty close to them and fortunately they were more interested in eating then charging me..




Then I spent a weekend at the Lodge helping with early season guests. Really nice couple from New Hampshire. We got to see a river otter under the dock eating Fry that didn’t swim out with the tide so they were trapped and made a great dinner for the otter.

Jon and Nelda took all of us on a wildlife watching tour in the skiff. Really great day for it. Saw lots of Bald Eagles, pigeon guillemots, Murrelets, otters, cormorants, surf scoters, harlequin ducks and white winged scoters. They also took us by some of the islands to see the rock formations. Some really beautiful stuff.




One night, on the way out to the Salty Dog with Fergie, we saw the strangest thing I seen here so far…We had just pulled out onto Sterling Hwy on the Harley…woo hoo… and coming in the opposite direction was a typical Homer beater (rusted out car) going about 20 mph with three cop cars behind him..sirens going, lights flashing and doing the weaving in and out stuff. The driver was drinking beer and saluting everyone with it as he went past. It was a slow motion OJ moment in Homer. Pretty damn funny.

Here at the Hostel there is a young moose that goes through the parking lot on a regular basis and two other young ones that occasionally saunter across the road. There is a pair of ring necked pheasants that either have a nest behind the building or across the street. I see them cross all the time and hear them. The male will stand on the side of the road WAITING for a car and then make the mad dash. Frequently the female is about 10 feet behind him. I have seen his waiting with no cars coming and then just as soon as a car comes around the curve, he takes off. Traffic has been stopped in both directions several times waiting for him to make up his mind on which way he is going. LoL

This is a business on the Spit...lol

Adreneline Junkie Ring Necked Pheasant

Homer just had a 10 day Seafaring Festival - Wooden Boat Festival, Sea Kayaking Festival and a Boating Safety Festival. I went down one Saturday for the Wooden Boat Festival and got roped into a Row Boat contest. Wasn’t going to do it and had been designated as the official holder of everyone’s stuff when this guy said he needed a partner so I volunteered and dumped everyone’s stuff on someone else and jumped in. Now I have rowed and did so all winter so I know how to row…by myself. My partner, Johann, a great guy and a sailor is about 6’ 6”. I am 5’3”. Needless to say we had some problems coordinating..lol. The boat itself wasn’t really designed for two people rowing and it didn’t have locking oar locks. So between the height issue, the oars that kept slipping from the locks and first me falling backwards off the bench a couple of times and then him falling backwards off his bench,,we didn’t make much headway but we had a damn good time. And the fact that my friend and the official monitor of the race, Dave Seaman, pointed us in the wrong direction didn’t help any either. Thanks Dave...But we had a great time and no one landed in the water and that is what counts.



Before the race, we watched a coast guard rescue demo in the barge basin. Pretty neat and then they landed the Black Hawk and everyone got to see the inside up close and personal and talk to the Coast Guard personnel. They had planned on giving free rides but it was really windy that day so that part was cancelled.

Later that evening, I went back to the barge basin and took a Sail with Will the owner of the Hostel. He owns a 22 ft wooden sailboat named the Blue Bill. The prow of the boat has a duck’s head and the bill is painted blue.

Now you have to understand that taking a sail with Will in the Blue Bill was kinda like jumping off a bridge with a bungie cord. You just hope everything turns out okay. For example, Will went for a sail the week before and never got out of the harbor. Couldn’t seem to avoid the sea wall. The day of the event , when he was moving the boat to the barge basin, everything was going well, no problems, nice wind, he was probably thinking to himself “congratulations on a job well done” when a boat pulled up beside him and said they had been sent by the coast guard to see if he needed any assistance….lol. When we left the barge basin that night we had an audience just in case there was any comic moments. They stayed until we had rounded the corner.

The sail was wonderful. The sun was going down, there was a perfect wind, the view of the mountains was spectacular …and we didn’t run into anything. Will let me take the control thing ( my command of nautical terms is impressive) and I got to steer for a bit. I can definitely see why people get all worked up about sailing.



And then there is my day on the docks. Yes folks I worked on the docks throwing Halibut for a day. The place I worked at is called the Auction Block. Halibut boats call around to the different off loading facilities to see who is going to pay the best price for their catch. The off loaders start the day by setting up the pallets and boxes. I got there at 7:00 am and garbed up in heavy rain gear, boots, heavy gloves etc. They don’t clean the rain gear very well so you can just imagine the smell right off the bat…the first thing you do is help put up boxes and line them. The boxes are taller than I am before they are put up and I was definitely the shortest person out there and only one of two women. But I managed to do my part. Then you have to put a liner in them. That was fun as I couldn’t jump in and out of the boxes like they could …lol.. I almost fell into a few a couple of times.

Once the boat gets in, a team of people get into the hold and put the halibut in a brailer net (not sure if that is spelled correctly). Once this is full the crane operator hoists it up and swings it over to the table where a ‘table dancer’ opens up the bottom and all of the fish fall out. The table dancer is responsible for flipping over all the halibut so the white side is up and sliding it down to the next step.

One or two people are in line to scoop out the belly ice and remove as much service ice as possible. This entails grabbing the fish by the gill, where it is cut, with the left hand and using the right hand to reach in and scoop all the ice out in the body cavity. The next person in line puts the fish on the scale where it is weighed , recorded and numbered. Then it is slid to the next table where fresh ice is put in the belly and then placed in the appropriate box. Once boxes are full, they are sealed and put on a truck.

There are no breaks while a boat is being unloaded and a boat can have upwards of 50,000 lbs or more. I helped off load two boats with a total of about 75000 lbs. Got good and fish slimed…
What I did for the first boat was move the fish from the ice scooper to the scale. The fish weighted any where from 40 to 124 lbs that day. So when a big one came my way the scale guy would have to help me lift it. You grab it by the gill and tail and pick it up to slide it on the scale. I would just yell big fish and he would grab the head..lol. For the second boat I removed belly ice. It is hard work but the 7 hours went by fast, fast, fast. I was definitely hurting by the time the day was done. Unfortunately I didn’t get any pics …dang it.

On the night of the full moon I was invited to a Drum Circle. That has to be the most amazing thing I have done in a very long time. The place where it was held was amazing it itself but once it got started the energy flow was incredible. It went on for hours. Someone would just start a rhythm and then everyone would join in with the instrument that struck their fancy. I am definitely gonna go back as often as possible. One of the guys brought heather mead he had made. It was one of the best meads I have every had. He also made Hibiscus tea which was delicious as well. So yes, I am having a woo woo time in Homer.

I finally finally saw one of the moose calves up close. I was leaving Duggan’s (a local watering hole) with Fergie and in the parking lot of the chamber of commerce there was Mom and baby moose. He was driving and I am beating him on the arm to circle around so I could see them...lolI had to stop and watch them for a few minutes. It was close to midnight and getting dusky so my pics didn’t turn out so well. But if you look close you can see them..that was pretty exciting. There is also a mom with twins in the area but I haven’t seen them yet.



These are the yearlings that wander through the parking lot of the Hostel. I got really close to them.

Last night, my last night in the Hostel, we had bear meat. It was pretty damn good. It was marinated, skewered and put on the grill. Yum Yum. And there is a story behind how we scored the bear meat. Keep reading.

The great chefs of the Hostel - Mark and Anna

Skewered bear meat ready for the grill

Anna, Mark and Eran discussing the ins and outs of cooking bear meat.


Katie literally cut that tiny chunk of meat into smaller pieces.. She didn't want it to bite back.

And now for the rest of the story. Mark, pictured below in his fisherman's gear, went out,met a young lady at a bar and he stumbled back to the Hostel around 6am with a package of bear meat. The young lady paid for his meat with a package of bear meat. We are gonna post his pic on www.doyouthinkiamhotornot.com...lol That is " Do you think I am hot or Not".





I got back to the lodge on June 9th.. Gonna hate hitting the alarm clock for the first time since the end of August but I do miss the lodge and it is time to work a bit.

So as you can see I have had a fabulous 5 weeks in Homer and I am very glad I came over. Till next time… ( and look for part two of this blog)

Lynda and in spirit, Spike